I’m definitely not a health nut (I write as I eat leftover fried Sesame Chicken), but I’m cynical enough to question information even when I want to believe it. For those people who see a headline like, “Salt Prevents Prostate Cancer” and immediately eat some french fries, here are some things that are bad for you:

• Alcohol. Yeah yeah, a glass of wine a day can reduce your risk of heart attack. A 5oz glass of wine also has 100-150 calories in it–and your glass probably has a bit more than 50z in it, doesn’t it? If you add a glass of wine a day to your diet, you’ll gain about 15 lbs per year, and being overweight increases your risk of heart attack. Guess you’ll need to start having two glasses of wine per day, right?
• Pot. Oh, stoners. Always so skeptical about the government, yet so willing to believe their burn-out friends that pot is like weight lifting in a bong. First, pot IS addicting, just like gambling or sex–it’s just not chemically addicting like cocaine. Second, pot increases your appetite, making you eat more, making you fat, which brings on a whole other category of health problems. Third, pot slowly kills your brain cells. Know how pot-head stereotypes get “pot-head voice” and become forgetful? That’s because THC gradually (and permanently) breaks down your short-term memory capabilities and your brains speech center. Pot’s not as bad as tobacco, and it might not be as bad as alcohol, but it’s definitely an indulgence and should be done in moderation.

• Oranges (and orange juice). Bad for you! They’re filled with carbs and calories. Sure, they have Vitamin C, but you’re not exactly dieing of scurvy, are you?

• Bananas. Chock-full of potassium, calories, and carbs. When my dad joined the military he was underweight, so they gave him bananas to fatten him up. Just take a vitamin pill already! Note: I’m not even going to mention strawberries.
• Smoothies. See oranges and bananas.
• Diet sodas. It tastes like candy and has one calorie–seem too good to be true? It is. A recent study showed that each diet soda you drink per day increases your risk of being overweight by 41%. Here’s the problem: You taste something sweet, and your body gears up to digest some calories. Diet soda breaks that cycle, and there’s evidence that it can be permanent, especially when kids have artificial sweeteners. Want a healthy drink? DRINK WATER!
• Protein bars. If you’re trying to gain muscle, eat protein bars. If you’re not actively doing resistance training, your body will just convert that protein into fat. To make matters worse, those protein bars are usually covered in chocolate and stuffed with carbs and calories.
• Walking. Sure, walking burns more calories than sitting, but it’s not enough to make you lose weight. How ’bout this: RUN! RUN RUN RUN! If you can still speak while you’re running, you’re not breathing hard enough. Run faster, and keep it up for at least 20 minutes. Better yet, run for an hour.
• Sex. Sex is better than walking, because at least it gets your heart rate up–but chances are good it doesn’t keep your heart rate in the target zones for the 20 minutes or more that your body needs to start burning fat. If it weren’t so unsexy, I’d strap on a heart-rate monitor and prove it to you.

I’m not saying don’t do these things–I enjoy them all. Just don’t convince yourself that they’re good for you, or you’ll end up as one of the millions saying, “I eat right and exercise regularly, so why aren’t I losing weight?”