We’ve all had it happen; an embarrassing moment when we’re standing tongue tied unable to distinguish which one of our guests is the dog, and which one is your fellow human companion. I once had the a new dog walker show up at my door to pick up Fiffi, only to find myself desperately groping for a clue as to which one of my guests was the dog walker. Was it the one wearing the studded collar? Or the pale, hairless animal holding the leash? Who can tell these days with rock fads and assertive self-walking dogs. Luckily, a group of biologists helped me devise some pretty foolproof ways to detect man from beast. Hopefully they’ll keep you from an embarrassing blunder!
1.) Pay close attention to the subtle differences between our anatomy. I remember when this step was as easy as looking for clothes! Boy was I embarrassed when I asked my friend’s pug out on a date. He had a lovely sweater!

a) Does the creature in question have nostrils that are more so pointed upward than downward? If so, you may be dealing with a canine.

b) If you gently but firmly tug on the creature’s hair, do large clumps come out? Shedding is another canine trait.

c) Are the creature’s nails flat and shovel like, or rounded and more cone-like in shape? Humans have flat nails and canines nails tend to be more rounded. It’s called a claw!

d) Check out your new friend’s nipples! If there are more than 2, you might have a pup on your hands!

e) Examine the iris (the colored part of the eye). If it’s brown, you’d better take a step back before that dog licks you!

2) Be observant of behavioral patterns:

a) When you first meet the creature in question, does he or she give you his “paw”, or immediately head to the back door for an olfactoral investigation? Hint: Dogs smell ass, people touch hands. But some dogs give their paw and some people kiss ass! Confusing.

b) Don’t be shy, try “the pen trick”. Give your guest a pen and see what they do with it. If they start to write, it’s probably human. If they just chew on it, they could still be human, but chances are more likely that it’s a dog.

c) Offer your guest a leafy vegetable, such as lettuce or cabbage. If they eat it, you’re dealing with a human (or a rabbit–but that’s another article!).

d) Ask your new friend for a kiss. If they use their tongue, you just kissed a dog! Note: dogs lick their own balls.