Up until I was 25 I bought underwear in packs of 6 for about $10. They were white cotton briefs: “tighty whiteys”.

Then, I discovered skid marks.

Surely, differently colored underwear would solve that problem–solve it like having a baby solves marital problems. They didn’t sell these fancy man-panties in packs of six, though. I had to resort to spending $10 on a single pair of Calvin Kleins.

$10 underwear was wonderful, though. I had a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I danced like noone was watching. My spouse was spared the skids.

Those $10 Calvin’s cost me thousands over the next decade, as I spent more and more on good underwear. When I became a virtual shut-in around the age of 30, I resorted to doing all my shopping on-line. I would never be the same again.

You see, I love my manties, but I don’t want to see other dudes in them. I’m not sure why the people who market them make me look at so very much penis. But they do. Below are a list of underwear I’ll never buy, courtesy of my preferred online underwear retailer, FreshPair.Com. For the record, the type I do buy are Papi boxer briefs, but they’ve been discontinued–probably because they weren’t sufficiently repelling straight guys.

^^ This underwear has nothing in the back. It’s just a waistband and a sock.

^^ That’s the wrong direction for a penis.

^^ A window nobody wants to look through. Also, he’s airbrushed to be smooth and soft like a woman. I hate it.

^^ Chelsea says she wants to serve guacamole out of his butt-dimple, and that’s enough for me to never buy that underwear. Or talk to anyone named Andrew or Christian.

^^ What the hell is going on off-camera?

^^ “OMG I HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT TODAY AND I FORGOT MY BELLY BUTTON AND PENIS!!”

^^ YAY I CAN POOP WITH MY UNDERWEAR ON!!