Let’s face it: our culture is obsessed with health and fitness. Whether it be the ever ubiquitous gimmicky fad diets, gut cinching clothes, or the gym taking on a stylish status, we are surrounded by ideas of living healthy and being fit. Oddly, the media and business tricksters overlook some steadfast advice that the generations of yesteryear should be passing down for us to live by. Here are a few of the most popular:
1.) Wine. A glass a day? Psht! Try two or three! It’s the way our parents parents lived and it seems to have suited them just fine. Even reputable doctors, such as Oprah’s favorite beck n’ call bitch, Dr.Oz, have confirmed that a glass of red wine a day is good for your heart health. So two or three will probably give you the longevity of Jack Lelanne! John Malloway, a rocket scientist and marketing guru, was recently explaining that, ” …(I) drink wine like a fish drinks wine and my tolerance is so high I can drive all I want, Officer. I’m a science rocketist and drinking two to three glasses of winer per day is really good for your heart” (ABC broadcasting corp. COPS).
2.) Sex: get more of it! Once again, even doctors agree having more sex is good for your health. You’ll be prone to have more if you refrain from using condoms or other forms of embarrassing protection like diaphragms, female condoms, and birth control. Many people, including some that I’ve talked to in acquaintance-like chit-chat, agree that condoms ruin the sensation of intercourse. Who wants to look forward putting a latex lasso on heir junkenstein? Yuck! Fuck with hats off, ladies and gentleman. You’ll thank me later when you’re the healthiest person you know.
3.) Comfort Food. When I was young, my parents would take me to McDonald’s every Sunday night for dinner. I’d get a happy meal, a chocolate shake, and an apple pie. I still remember the way my father would confiscate my toy because he said it would one day be a collectors item and put me through college. Anyway, McDonald’s is my comfort food. According to a few people in white lab coats that I overheard talking in Wal*Mart, eating comfort food is good for your mental health, and, in turn, good for your regular-style health as well. Those people were probably doctors, or worked int he pharmacy. Pharmacy people are fairly knowledgeable and attractive, so I’m willing to bet they’re right.
4.) Fast. Are you eating three square meals a day? Or worse, eating a bunch of small meals throughout the day? Hold the goddamn phone, John Candy. That’s a terrible idea. Some of the skinniest people I’ve ever known have told me that the key to their success is fasting. Curb the hunger by chewing gum, which tricks your body into thinking it’s getting food. Also, drink cold water. Your body has to burn calories heating the water up to body temperature, and the cold sensation in your stomach nearly feels as though you’ve eaten. When you finally cave in and eat something, make sure it’s a massive amount of comfort food.
5.) Get a Pet. People always talk about pets lowering your blood pressure. But why? Is it because they relax you? Nope. It’s because petting and caring for them distracts you fro thinking about how hungry you are when you’re fasting. Why do you think all of the skinny, pretty celebrities carry around dogs in purses? If they get hungry they pet them or dress them in different clothes. These people made it tot he top of the heap by being brilliant in matters of life, really.
6.) Penicillin. It was made a long time ago, probably in 1890-something, and we still use it today. Why? Because it works! I take 25 mgs per day to keep myself healthy and infection-free. Unfortunately, I suffer from chronic yeast infection, but imagine how much worse It would be if I *didn’t* take the penicillin!
7.) Smile! What could be better for you? It gets all sorts of the “happy” chemicals pooling in the crevices of your brain and filling those squiggly cracks so that your brain feels happier! Scientist believe people that smile 30% more live 45% longer, and some cutting edge DNA jockeys are currently speculating that smiling for more than 10 hrs a day could extend your life by 89.4%!!!! If you currently don’t have anything the smile about, following all of the steps above will be sure to bring on a grin.
