Karma’s a bitch, though. The last time he did this trick, his car lost traction and hit the curb, breaking his axle and oil pan, totaling his old car. It left him stranded, right in front of the people he had just splashed.

Anyway, this train video is for you, William.

Security nerds are my favorite breed of nerd. As a kid, they tried to convince themselves they had super-powers. As a teenager, they actually practiced to be a ninja, and maybe even got as far as getting their black-belt (a fact they’ll tell you on a regular basis). As an adult, their psuedo-nefarious urges continue to get more practical, and they master hacking, social engineering, and lock-picking.

These security nerds, presenting at a testosterone-free security nerd conference, demonstrate how to break into a hotel that uses “shim-free locks” and happens to have a half-inch gap below the door. Yes, it wouldn’t work at any hotel that actually follows construction codes, but if you happen to be in Haiti (too soon?), better put your valuables into the safe.

Just kidding, don’t bring your valuables to Haiti.

After the jump, more videos of security nerds taking their frustrations out on helpless locks.

Via Gadling.

Alright, this is interesting, though it comes around about twenty years too late. Most modern locks aren’t this easy:

I admit it. I’m a security nerd and I love this stuff.

Fun with bobby pins, just like on TV:

And my favorite, a rather sophisticated system for making your own BMW keys:

“Young, black, and famous,

with money hanging out the anus.”

I’ve always wanted to be that hip teacher that reaches the troubled inner-city youths by speaking in their own language: rap. I’d rap about Physics, Government, and Driver’s Education. Mostly, though, I’d rap about Grammar.

Those kids will always remember me as the teacher who really made a difference in their lives. Then, when one of them is elected the first black president, he’ll thank me in his inaugural speech. While lying on my death-bed watching the TV, a smile comes across my face, and I pass into the next world. Probably because God needed me to teach in heaven.

After the jump, my first lesson, urban youths: literary elements as they appear in hip-hop music. First, the video. Then, the literary elements and their definition. Finally, the specific lyrics from the song and the artist. I apologize that some of the videos are censored, significantly compromising their literary value. Definitions courtesy of Webster’s.

Allusion: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature
Anthropomorphism: an interpretation of what is not human or personal in terms of human or personal characteristics

Then you call your girl like, “What the hell you gave me?”
She like, “Don’t blame me. Better do like Jamie (1)
and blame it on the liquor.”
He works every time; Patron, you my nigga

–”Say Ahh” by Trey Songz

(1) The reference is to Jamie Foxx’s song “Blame it on the Liquor.”

Hyperbole: Latin, from Greek hyperbol? excess, hyperbole, hyperbola, from hyperballein to exceed, from hyper- + ballein to throw

You name it, I can claim it
Young, black, and famous, with money hanging out my anus

–”Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Ma$e (with P Diddy)

Onomatopoeia: the use of words whose sound suggests the sense

I’ll make you say,
“Wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,”
like a cop car.

–”Mrs. Officer” by Lil’ Wayne

Irony: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning

I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
without being disrespectful…
Damn girl, damn you’s a sexy bitch.

–”Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta

Metaphor: a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money)

I used to have hood dreams, big fame, big chains.
I stuck my dick inside this life until that bitch came.

–”Forever” sung by Kanye West (with Drake)

…and it does it without pulling the pieces apart! Nerds built that with the Lego Mindstorm kit. After the jump, even more Rubik’s cube-solving robots that you’ll want to kick the crap out of.

Check out these slothy terminators:

Growing up in Texas I spent many hours waiting for my mom to finish her shopping at the Wal-Mart. Frequently, my mind would wander to little boy fantasies of robots, aliens, and wanton destruction.

This man is my hero. The video is blurry, but according to the Associated Press:

Police have arrested a man for smashing 29 televisions at a Georgia Wal-mMrt. Authorities say the man grabbed a metal baseball bat from the sporting goods section before walking to the electronics aisle where he started swinging.

Hillbilly TV smasher, you are my hero.

That segment is so convincing I literally zoned out about 5 seconds in. Force yourself to concentrate! Focus! Focus!

It’s about time–those ads in the back of comic books teased me throughout my childhood. The promise of seeing through clothes is finally here. Unfortunately, technology was a bit too slow, and the American obesity rate has already obsoleted the technology. After the jump, brace yourself:

That’s real, and someday soon might be in all big airports. Yet, even packing weapons, nobody wants to see that chick naked.

So, based on real technology, the people who teased me in the comic books are back at it, promising to make my iPhone into X-Ray glasses and to make me into a sex offender:

And here’s another example of a well-done fake:

Truthfully, though, this might be good for society. Today, the only people you see naked are yourself, your partner, and models. Those models tend to be in fantastic shape, posed carefully, covered in makeup, set in the best lighting, and then Photoshopped. Naturally, you look terrible by comparison. If we could see everyone naked, it would give us all a realistic perspective and make us feel better about ourselves. If we knew other people could see us naked, the obesity problem would be solved, and fast.

It’s the characterization that makes the video–in a way, the victimizer was also a victim. That potato had motive, and that tomato kinda had it coming.

That’s any Photoshop junkie’s biggest pet peeve!

Start that video and pause it to let it buffer a bit. Then, go full screen with it. The color changes are subtle, and it’s not the brightest sunset you’ve ever seen, but the transition from warm colors to cool night, and the city lights awakening, is all very stunning. I’ll get to Dubai eventually–I think I’ll wait until it’s finished, though.

ZingZama announces the worst song of 2009: “I Can Transform Ya” by Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne & Swiss Beatz. By combining auto-tuning, a movie tie-in to Transformers, and strikingly abysmal lyrics, you’ve done what nobody thought was possible: beaten out The Black-Eyed Peas.

To summarize the song, the performer is so very wealthy that he has access to a large number of luxury brands, and he is willing to trade resources for sex. While that summarizes most hip-hop songs of this decade, what sets this song apart is the marketing mandate to use sound effects from the movie and the word “transform”.

My favorite line from the song seems to be a nod to the movie’s target audience of 11-15 year old males: “Something like Pinocchio if you lie down; Imma grow.” For those who are not 11-15 year old males, this analogy compares the growing nose of a beloved children’s character to the performer’s penis. I sincerely appreciate the appropriate use of a semi-colon.

Full lyrics after the jump, plus the video for the second place runner-up.

Here are those awful lyrics I discussed:

Hey Lil Mama,
I can transform ya,
i can’t dance but I can dance on ya,
Swiss on the beats, Chris move ya feet,
and baby I can transform ya him to a me,
I can change you life, make it so new,
make you never want to go back to the old you,
Ciroc and lime, give it a lil time,
and she can transform like Optimus Prime,

[Chris Brown]
Need a ride I can Range you up,
money i can change you up,
you can ride your own, no longer be the passenger,
swag low I build you up,
knees we can stand you up,
red lips, red dress, like em like a fire truck,

What you need, you can have that,
my black card they won’t decline that,
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

I can transform ya like a transformer,
I can transform ya,
I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, i can get it for ya,
your my baby girl shoulda know I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes you got it (got it)
Bags you got it (got it),
cars you got it (got it),
money still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (i can) get it for ya,

See me in the video you can have it really though,
iced out everything, like an eskimo,
wanna fly, we can go, anywhere you wanna go,
Jimmy Choos in Italy, Louie V in Tokyo,

something like Pinnochio,
if you lie down imma grow,
www.musicloversgroup.com
wanna see me do it big,
i can show you how it goes,
take you from an amateur to being professional,
(I can have you swag surfing – autotune)

What you need, you can have that,
my black card
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

[Chorus]

[Lil Wayne]
Ok,
I can transform ya like a transformer,
i can turn you from a human to a Carter,
take you off the bench and turn ya to a starter,
then take you home and put you on a charger,
then (then) my cars transforms to a charter,
and we can fly to wherever you ever thought of,
hehe, i take you to wherever its warmer,
then i gotta rip off your dress like a warm up,
hehe, but Im just getting warmed up,
so tell your man he better get his voltron up,
i transform her to a Ducati and then I transform me to a Bugatti,
cos her form puts me in a trance,
i transform smaller and she puts me in her pants,
Swiss on the Beat, Chris move ya feet
and we can transform a good girl to a freak,

[Chorus]
[End]

And here’s the second-place runner-up: Owl City’s Fireflies! Congrats to all the nominees!

I just learned to ski last year, and I had the lift knock me over a few times while I was trying to get on… but nothing this dramatic. Thanks to my favorite travel blog, Gadling.

OK, he had only been working out a month, so props to him for that. Don’t lock your knees though! I love that he yelled at the end of his deadlift, surely causing everyone in the gym to look over at him. His after pic, complete with stitches, after the jump.

Here’s his after pic (click for a closeup):

But this guy scares me. And yet I respect him. He maintained a drift in icy conditions on a public road (a big rotary?) for a LONG time–with OTHER TRAFFIC around! Crazy truck driving guy, I salute you.