“Young, black, and famous,

with money hanging out the anus.”

I’ve always wanted to be that hip teacher that reaches the troubled inner-city youths by speaking in their own language: rap. I’d rap about Physics, Government, and Driver’s Education. Mostly, though, I’d rap about Grammar.

Those kids will always remember me as the teacher who really made a difference in their lives. Then, when one of them is elected the first black president, he’ll thank me in his inaugural speech. While lying on my death-bed watching the TV, a smile comes across my face, and I pass into the next world. Probably because God needed me to teach in heaven.

After the jump, my first lesson, urban youths: literary elements as they appear in hip-hop music. First, the video. Then, the literary elements and their definition. Finally, the specific lyrics from the song and the artist. I apologize that some of the videos are censored, significantly compromising their literary value. Definitions courtesy of Webster’s.

Allusion: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature
Anthropomorphism: an interpretation of what is not human or personal in terms of human or personal characteristics

Then you call your girl like, “What the hell you gave me?”
She like, “Don’t blame me. Better do like Jamie (1)
and blame it on the liquor.”
He works every time; Patron, you my nigga

–”Say Ahh” by Trey Songz

(1) The reference is to Jamie Foxx’s song “Blame it on the Liquor.”

Hyperbole: Latin, from Greek hyperbol? excess, hyperbole, hyperbola, from hyperballein to exceed, from hyper- + ballein to throw

You name it, I can claim it
Young, black, and famous, with money hanging out my anus

–”Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Ma$e (with P Diddy)

Onomatopoeia: the use of words whose sound suggests the sense

I’ll make you say,
“Wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,”
like a cop car.

–”Mrs. Officer” by Lil’ Wayne

Irony: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning

I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
without being disrespectful…
Damn girl, damn you’s a sexy bitch.

–”Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta

Metaphor: a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money)

I used to have hood dreams, big fame, big chains.
I stuck my dick inside this life until that bitch came.

–”Forever” sung by Kanye West (with Drake)

Your computer won’t start. It’s anyone’s worst nightmare… because you know you’re going to have to talk to a geek.

This article on geek behaviors by Philip Guo, a PhD candidate at Stanford, lists nine behaviors that I’m all to familiar with. See, not only do I know geeks, but I am one. Technically, I’m a recovering geek, which is like being a recovering alcoholic. I can restrain the behaviors, but the thought processes are all still there.

The behavior that I see the most is the inability to cater a conversation to the listener. Overcoming this has allowed me to be successful as a technical author, because there just aren’t many people who can understand technology and communicate that to other people. Geeks, like little kids, assume that whoever their talking to knows everything that’s in their heads. Here’s a conversation you might have with a little kid:

Adult: “How was school?”
Kid: “Good. Mark took my lunch.”
Adult: “Who’s Mark?”
Kid (baffled at the question): “Mark is a kid in my class.”
Adult: “Why did he take your lunch?”
Kid (frustrated at having to explain everything): “He took everyone’s lunch. It was his turn today.”

And here’s a conversation you might have with a geek:

Adult: “So, can I login with my iPhone?”
Geek: “You can login with Kerberos or NTLM authentication.”
Adult: “How do I do that?”
Geek (sigh): “Well, you’ll have to get a module that performs Kerberos or NTLM authentication and configure it to submit requests to our domain controller.”
Adult: “OK, so, is there an app for that?”
Geek (annoyed): “No, iPhones don’t support Kerberos or NTLM.”

Another behavior I hate is revering technical knowledge above all else, and the need to validate one’s geek-esteem by showing off minutia that you’ve memorized. This happens more than ever when multiple geeks are around:

Adult: “Check out this my new iPhone–it takes awesome pictures.”
Geek #1: “That only has a 3 megapixel camera. My Android has a 5 megapixel camera.”
Geek #2: “Oh please, the Android only goes to ISO 400. At least the iPhone goes to ISO 800.”
Geek #1: “I know. That’s why I carry this flashlight around.”
Geek #2: “Great, hope it’s the same color temperature as the other lights in the room.”
Adult: “Look at my dog sitting on the couch! She sits just like a little person!”

Now, of course, every normal person knows that memorizing camera phone statistics is meaningless in the real world, but a cute dog is quite meaningful.

Alright, I’ve babbled on enough. Read Philip’s article.

Maybe you’re a stalker, or maybe you just want to know what personal information about you can be found on the Web. Either way, you’ll be surprised at the information that’s available. Just follow these steps:

1. Visit the stalker search site: 123 People, Pipl, and my favorite, WebMii (shown above). They all did a good job of finding me (though some of the pictures and links were for other people with my name). WebMii is fun because it gives you a score based on how famous you (or your name) are.

2. Visit Google (or another big search engine) and search for the person’s name in quotes (for example, “John Doe”). If Google yields too many results because the person has a common name, add the person’s state, town, spouses name, pets name, type of car, interests, or anything else that might distinguish them from people with the same name. Here’s what you’re looking for in the results:

• Anything interesting about the person.
• The person’s employer (often names are mentioned in press releases or on the company’s website).
• The town the person lives in (many towns post public records online).
• E-mail addresses the person uses (you’ll see these in forums/message boards/newsgroups sometimes).
• Aliases the person uses. For example, if you find a message in a forum signed with the person’s name, look at the nickname used to create the message. Make note of it.

3. Repeat Step 1, but search for other versions of the person’s name. For example, you should search for both “John Doe and “Johnnie”. Then, search for “John J. Joe” and “Johnnie J. Joe”.

4. Now, use Google to search for the person’s e-mail addresses and aliases. After searching for their full e-mail, drop the @ and everything after it. For example, if their e-mail address is SandiDog2005@hotmail.com, search for “SandiDog2005″. People often use their username on websites, so you might find messages that they’ve written in a forum. As you’re digging, make note of the person’s interest. If they have a Huffy bike, write that down. If they drive a Volvo XC90, make note of that. Names of pets, spouses, and friends are useful–especially if they’re unique or nicknames.

5. If you haven’t found anything useful yet, don’t be discouraged–there’s still a lot of digging to do. Most sensible people try and protect their privacy by not using their full names on the Web. So, let’s search for their first name and combinations of their interests, friends, and location. For example, you might search for “tony xc90 springfield” or “sandi spot fido cycling” (without the quotes).

6. Nowadays, Google only has a fairly small part of the Web indexed. Take the search to some more specific websites:

• Facebook. Sign in and search for the person. Because of Facebook’s new privacy settings, you can often view quite a bit about a person without being their friend.
• LinkedIn. If you make yourself an account, you can find where people have worked and where they went to school.
• MySpace. Click People at the top of the page and search for their name. Then, search for any aliases.
• Newsgroups. People use forums more than newsgroups nowadays, but sometimes you’ll find stuff people wrote ten years ago before they knew to hide their names.
• Wedding registries. If the person has gotten married since, say, 2000, they’re probably registered at places like Crate & Barrel, Bed Bath & Beyond, or Target (which also has a baby registry, if they had a kid recently). Also, check The Knot. It’s funny to see what people asked for.
• Others. Their are countless other websites people might participate in, like Digg, StumbleUpon, CraigsList, Yahoo, AOL Instant Messenger, BlogSpot, MSN, etc. Often, these aren’t indexed by Google, but you can find something if you’re patient enough to search at the individual sites.

7. It’s time for the public records! Start by looking up their address. They might be listed under a spouse’s name.

8. Now, it’s time to get creepy. Look up pictures of their house at http://www.bing.com/maps/. Don’t forget to switch to both the satellite and aerial views (check out all the angles), if they’re available. In case you’re stalking me, here are some pictures of my previous house. Google Maps sometimes has better satellite images, depending on the location.

9. Look up their address at Zillow. It gives you an estimate of what their house is worth, the number of bedrooms and bathrooms and such, and a list of what the house sold for if it sold recently. You can even find out what they pay in annual taxes.

And I saved the best for last:

10. Most areas have public records accessible from the Web, for better or worse. Typically, each county or state has its own website. To find that website, Google “county state public records” or “county state real estate records”. If you don’t know their county, google “city state county” and see what comes up, or just Google the city instead of the county. Real estate records are often the most interesting, and will reveal how much a person paid for their house, how much they put down vs. what they mortgaged, and often you can find a copy of their closing paperwork (including their signatures). Some places don’t have much available online.

Public records have actually gotten more difficult to access in recent years. For example, you used to be able to find anyone’s birthday at AnyBirthday.com, but that’s mostly offline now.

You’ll find lots of sites that promise to find information about someone for you. All I’ve tried is an address lookup service, which worked okay, but for a few bucks more you can hire an actual investigator.

Well, if you have another technique or website, or a good way to protect your own privacy, add a comment.

That segment is so convincing I literally zoned out about 5 seconds in. Force yourself to concentrate! Focus! Focus!

I’ve taken a night photography course (by Lance Keiting, a master) and it’s hard. Here’s the thing: it’s dark at night. Cameras use light. I haven’t done much work with fire, but I bet that’s hard, too. Fire is hot. Plus, it moves.

That makes these photographs all that more amazing. They’re each done by different photographers-click the pictures to visit each photographer’s website. HongKiat compiled these and other photos. Enjoy!