“Young, black, and famous,

with money hanging out the anus.”

I’ve always wanted to be that hip teacher that reaches the troubled inner-city youths by speaking in their own language: rap. I’d rap about Physics, Government, and Driver’s Education. Mostly, though, I’d rap about Grammar.

Those kids will always remember me as the teacher who really made a difference in their lives. Then, when one of them is elected the first black president, he’ll thank me in his inaugural speech. While lying on my death-bed watching the TV, a smile comes across my face, and I pass into the next world. Probably because God needed me to teach in heaven.

After the jump, my first lesson, urban youths: literary elements as they appear in hip-hop music. First, the video. Then, the literary elements and their definition. Finally, the specific lyrics from the song and the artist. I apologize that some of the videos are censored, significantly compromising their literary value. Definitions courtesy of Webster’s.

Allusion: an implied or indirect reference especially in literature
Anthropomorphism: an interpretation of what is not human or personal in terms of human or personal characteristics

Then you call your girl like, “What the hell you gave me?”
She like, “Don’t blame me. Better do like Jamie (1)
and blame it on the liquor.”
He works every time; Patron, you my nigga

–”Say Ahh” by Trey Songz

(1) The reference is to Jamie Foxx’s song “Blame it on the Liquor.”

Hyperbole: Latin, from Greek hyperbol? excess, hyperbole, hyperbola, from hyperballein to exceed, from hyper- + ballein to throw

You name it, I can claim it
Young, black, and famous, with money hanging out my anus

–”Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” by Ma$e (with P Diddy)

Onomatopoeia: the use of words whose sound suggests the sense

I’ll make you say,
“Wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,
wee ohh wee ohh wee,”
like a cop car.

–”Mrs. Officer” by Lil’ Wayne

Irony: the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning

I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl
without being disrespectful…
Damn girl, damn you’s a sexy bitch.

–”Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta

Metaphor: a figure of speech in which a word or phrase literally denoting one kind of object or idea is used in place of another to suggest a likeness or analogy between them (as in drowning in money)

I used to have hood dreams, big fame, big chains.
I stuck my dick inside this life until that bitch came.

–”Forever” sung by Kanye West (with Drake)

I’m definitely not a health nut (I write as I eat leftover fried Sesame Chicken), but I’m cynical enough to question information even when I want to believe it. For those people who see a headline like, “Salt Prevents Prostate Cancer” and immediately eat some french fries, here are some things that are bad for you:

• Alcohol. Yeah yeah, a glass of wine a day can reduce your risk of heart attack. A 5oz glass of wine also has 100-150 calories in it–and your glass probably has a bit more than 50z in it, doesn’t it? If you add a glass of wine a day to your diet, you’ll gain about 15 lbs per year, and being overweight increases your risk of heart attack. Guess you’ll need to start having two glasses of wine per day, right?
• Pot. Oh, stoners. Always so skeptical about the government, yet so willing to believe their burn-out friends that pot is like weight lifting in a bong. First, pot IS addicting, just like gambling or sex–it’s just not chemically addicting like cocaine. Second, pot increases your appetite, making you eat more, making you fat, which brings on a whole other category of health problems. Third, pot slowly kills your brain cells. Know how pot-head stereotypes get “pot-head voice” and become forgetful? That’s because THC gradually (and permanently) breaks down your short-term memory capabilities and your brains speech center. Pot’s not as bad as tobacco, and it might not be as bad as alcohol, but it’s definitely an indulgence and should be done in moderation.

• Oranges (and orange juice). Bad for you! They’re filled with carbs and calories. Sure, they have Vitamin C, but you’re not exactly dieing of scurvy, are you?

• Bananas. Chock-full of potassium, calories, and carbs. When my dad joined the military he was underweight, so they gave him bananas to fatten him up. Just take a vitamin pill already! Note: I’m not even going to mention strawberries.
• Smoothies. See oranges and bananas.
• Diet sodas. It tastes like candy and has one calorie–seem too good to be true? It is. A recent study showed that each diet soda you drink per day increases your risk of being overweight by 41%. Here’s the problem: You taste something sweet, and your body gears up to digest some calories. Diet soda breaks that cycle, and there’s evidence that it can be permanent, especially when kids have artificial sweeteners. Want a healthy drink? DRINK WATER!
• Protein bars. If you’re trying to gain muscle, eat protein bars. If you’re not actively doing resistance training, your body will just convert that protein into fat. To make matters worse, those protein bars are usually covered in chocolate and stuffed with carbs and calories.
• Walking. Sure, walking burns more calories than sitting, but it’s not enough to make you lose weight. How ’bout this: RUN! RUN RUN RUN! If you can still speak while you’re running, you’re not breathing hard enough. Run faster, and keep it up for at least 20 minutes. Better yet, run for an hour.
• Sex. Sex is better than walking, because at least it gets your heart rate up–but chances are good it doesn’t keep your heart rate in the target zones for the 20 minutes or more that your body needs to start burning fat. If it weren’t so unsexy, I’d strap on a heart-rate monitor and prove it to you.

I’m not saying don’t do these things–I enjoy them all. Just don’t convince yourself that they’re good for you, or you’ll end up as one of the millions saying, “I eat right and exercise regularly, so why aren’t I losing weight?”

Up until I was 25 I bought underwear in packs of 6 for about $10. They were white cotton briefs: “tighty whiteys”.

Then, I discovered skid marks.

Surely, differently colored underwear would solve that problem–solve it like having a baby solves marital problems. They didn’t sell these fancy man-panties in packs of six, though. I had to resort to spending $10 on a single pair of Calvin Kleins.

$10 underwear was wonderful, though. I had a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I danced like noone was watching. My spouse was spared the skids.

Those $10 Calvin’s cost me thousands over the next decade, as I spent more and more on good underwear. When I became a virtual shut-in around the age of 30, I resorted to doing all my shopping on-line. I would never be the same again.

You see, I love my manties, but I don’t want to see other dudes in them. I’m not sure why the people who market them make me look at so very much penis. But they do. Below are a list of underwear I’ll never buy, courtesy of my preferred online underwear retailer, FreshPair.Com. For the record, the type I do buy are Papi boxer briefs, but they’ve been discontinued–probably because they weren’t sufficiently repelling straight guys.

^^ This underwear has nothing in the back. It’s just a waistband and a sock.

^^ That’s the wrong direction for a penis.

^^ A window nobody wants to look through. Also, he’s airbrushed to be smooth and soft like a woman. I hate it.

^^ Chelsea says she wants to serve guacamole out of his butt-dimple, and that’s enough for me to never buy that underwear. Or talk to anyone named Andrew or Christian.

^^ What the hell is going on off-camera?

^^ “OMG I HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT TODAY AND I FORGOT MY BELLY BUTTON AND PENIS!!”

^^ YAY I CAN POOP WITH MY UNDERWEAR ON!!

I don’t know about you folks, but where I live it is *cold*. Today it was about 15º F, and when I put on my hat to go outside I realized it was missing something. What it was missing were legs, a face and a history rich with feelings and instincts. So, I would never actually wear one of these road-kill looking creations on my head, but they do give me a good chuckle. If that’s too macabre for you, perhaps you can just appreciate the expressions of the poor fellow that had to model them. See more absurdity after the jump!

LINK: FurHatWorld

Maybe you’re a stalker, or maybe you just want to know what personal information about you can be found on the Web. Either way, you’ll be surprised at the information that’s available. Just follow these steps:

1. Visit the stalker search site: 123 People, Pipl, and my favorite, WebMii (shown above). They all did a good job of finding me (though some of the pictures and links were for other people with my name). WebMii is fun because it gives you a score based on how famous you (or your name) are.

2. Visit Google (or another big search engine) and search for the person’s name in quotes (for example, “John Doe”). If Google yields too many results because the person has a common name, add the person’s state, town, spouses name, pets name, type of car, interests, or anything else that might distinguish them from people with the same name. Here’s what you’re looking for in the results:

• Anything interesting about the person.
• The person’s employer (often names are mentioned in press releases or on the company’s website).
• The town the person lives in (many towns post public records online).
• E-mail addresses the person uses (you’ll see these in forums/message boards/newsgroups sometimes).
• Aliases the person uses. For example, if you find a message in a forum signed with the person’s name, look at the nickname used to create the message. Make note of it.

3. Repeat Step 1, but search for other versions of the person’s name. For example, you should search for both “John Doe and “Johnnie”. Then, search for “John J. Joe” and “Johnnie J. Joe”.

4. Now, use Google to search for the person’s e-mail addresses and aliases. After searching for their full e-mail, drop the @ and everything after it. For example, if their e-mail address is SandiDog2005@hotmail.com, search for “SandiDog2005″. People often use their username on websites, so you might find messages that they’ve written in a forum. As you’re digging, make note of the person’s interest. If they have a Huffy bike, write that down. If they drive a Volvo XC90, make note of that. Names of pets, spouses, and friends are useful–especially if they’re unique or nicknames.

5. If you haven’t found anything useful yet, don’t be discouraged–there’s still a lot of digging to do. Most sensible people try and protect their privacy by not using their full names on the Web. So, let’s search for their first name and combinations of their interests, friends, and location. For example, you might search for “tony xc90 springfield” or “sandi spot fido cycling” (without the quotes).

6. Nowadays, Google only has a fairly small part of the Web indexed. Take the search to some more specific websites:

• Facebook. Sign in and search for the person. Because of Facebook’s new privacy settings, you can often view quite a bit about a person without being their friend.
• LinkedIn. If you make yourself an account, you can find where people have worked and where they went to school.
• MySpace. Click People at the top of the page and search for their name. Then, search for any aliases.
• Newsgroups. People use forums more than newsgroups nowadays, but sometimes you’ll find stuff people wrote ten years ago before they knew to hide their names.
• Wedding registries. If the person has gotten married since, say, 2000, they’re probably registered at places like Crate & Barrel, Bed Bath & Beyond, or Target (which also has a baby registry, if they had a kid recently). Also, check The Knot. It’s funny to see what people asked for.
• Others. Their are countless other websites people might participate in, like Digg, StumbleUpon, CraigsList, Yahoo, AOL Instant Messenger, BlogSpot, MSN, etc. Often, these aren’t indexed by Google, but you can find something if you’re patient enough to search at the individual sites.

7. It’s time for the public records! Start by looking up their address. They might be listed under a spouse’s name.

8. Now, it’s time to get creepy. Look up pictures of their house at http://www.bing.com/maps/. Don’t forget to switch to both the satellite and aerial views (check out all the angles), if they’re available. In case you’re stalking me, here are some pictures of my previous house. Google Maps sometimes has better satellite images, depending on the location.

9. Look up their address at Zillow. It gives you an estimate of what their house is worth, the number of bedrooms and bathrooms and such, and a list of what the house sold for if it sold recently. You can even find out what they pay in annual taxes.

And I saved the best for last:

10. Most areas have public records accessible from the Web, for better or worse. Typically, each county or state has its own website. To find that website, Google “county state public records” or “county state real estate records”. If you don’t know their county, google “city state county” and see what comes up, or just Google the city instead of the county. Real estate records are often the most interesting, and will reveal how much a person paid for their house, how much they put down vs. what they mortgaged, and often you can find a copy of their closing paperwork (including their signatures). Some places don’t have much available online.

Public records have actually gotten more difficult to access in recent years. For example, you used to be able to find anyone’s birthday at AnyBirthday.com, but that’s mostly offline now.

You’ll find lots of sites that promise to find information about someone for you. All I’ve tried is an address lookup service, which worked okay, but for a few bucks more you can hire an actual investigator.

Well, if you have another technique or website, or a good way to protect your own privacy, add a comment.

Gone are the days that men can be just smartly dressed, rich, and handsome. These days, you must also be sporting an impressive boner. You know what, guys? I’m happy about it. For years men have been ogling boobies. Payback! I am going to stare at your penis through your pants so hard you’re going to call your therapist for an emergency session. See more after the jump.

LINK: Vice Fashion (Work Hard Play Hard)

Today, I’m at my bf’s house and we’re about to get it on when I feel the urge to make a shitnetz. So I go to the bathroom and my butt explodes so hard that there is shitnetz on the ceiling! I try to clean it but just smear it everywhere so my bf dumps me. To make myself feel better I visit my nana in the hospital. The next day my mom tells me my nana died from diarreah she caught from me! I killed my nana!! But I found out I inherited $1 million and I take the check home and see my crush is banging my ex-bf on the couch. in the butt! I am so mad I rip up the check. I got dumped, killed my nana, lost a million dollars, and apparently I love gay guys. I am a girl. FML

Today, I tried to write the ultimate FML but I couldn’t limit myself to 300 characters. I’m a professional writer considering self-publishing. I guess I really do need an editor. FML

Here’s a better way to experiment with Google Suggestions: the Hint.fm Web Seer. We’ve done this before, but this is prettier! Here’s some more gender-related searches:

And one for the addicts!

The animal people:

And the nerds (prepare to squint):

ATTENTION: If you are currently in a relationship, but no longer want to be in a relationship, you must complete your breakup before the February 1st deadline. If you do not complete the breakup before the end of January, you are obligated to continue the relationship until March 1st out of respect for Valentine’s Day. This includes, but is not limited to, providing a Valentine’s Day gift at least 75% the value of a gift you would give someone you actually loved.

After March 1st, breaking up is sanctioned until the holiday breakup suspension period from 11/14 to 1/14*.

* Not including mandatory breakup suspensions beginning two weeks prior to and two weeks following each partners’ birthdays, the death of a loved one, or the diagnosis of a terminal illness.

Girls :: Guys
Commitment :: Oral sex
Time together :: Sex
Rekindling emotions :: Making their chick lose weight
Overcoming jealousy :: Overcoming jealousy

In fairness, girls do think about sex (“how can I get my boyfriend to last longer in bed”) and guys do think about emotions (“how can I get my girlfriend to love me again”), but clearly the overall priorities are exactly what you’d expect.

After the jump, a few of my own gender comparisons, revealing that men want women to be thin, shaven, and hypersexual, while women want men to commit, be sensitive, be honest, and to go down on them. Shocking research, I know.

Your concerns about your daughters relate mostly to sex, dating, and physical appearance, while your concerns about your sons relate mostly to god, drugs, and ambition. “My son is a heterosexual” is a phone prank that people are looking up, so just disregard it.

Guys want their girlfriends to shave, have sex, and get freaky. Meanwhile, girls are analyzing their boyfriend’s behaviors.

This reveals more of the same, but shows that girls also aren’t getting enough oral sex:

Once married, everyone becomes mean and crazy:

We’re all concerned about feelings, but wives focus on romance, while guys want their wives to swap partners, get skinny, and shave. Wives searched for, “How can I get my husband to talk to me”, while husbands searched for, “How can I get my wife to shut up.” Doesn’t that say it all?

And let’s just confirm every stereotype about the genders:

BTW, heterosexual men are attracted to breasts because only fertile women have them. It’s one of the ways we identify potential sex partners, along with waist-to-hip ratio (thanks, Professor Singh). Males don’t have breasts, and pre-pubescent females don’t have breasts. Basically, to the male brain, if it has breasts, he can probably breed with it. I know, evolutionary psychology takes the romance out of everything.

I’d give you a spoiler alert, but let’s face it, you’ve seen this entire movie before–dozens of times. If you have other references for the cliches, please add a comment. The times are based on a pre-release version of the movie, but I’m not suffering through the production version.

• 3:00. Loved one is killed. Scream ‘NOOOOOOOoooOOoOooOo’, and switch to overhead boom camera that pans back. See “Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan” to see a proper example.
• 3:15. “He’s not your father… Son”. The hero discovers that the antagonist is his father. See “Star Wars”.
• 8:45. Imprisoned soldiers with specialized skills assembled for secret team. See “Dirty Dozen”.
• 12:30. Stop up a tank cannon with a fist. While the cliche is putting your finger into a gun barrel, they’ve just taken the cliche and turned it up a notch. This is so cliche, Mythbusters even tested it. See Bugs Bunny vs. Elmer Fudd.
• 14:00. Stopping bullets with a sword. Another Mythbuster-worthy cliche.
• 17:35. Tear off dogtags and throw them angrily on the ground.
• 18:10. Ex-soldier moves into the wilderness to get away from it all. See “Commando” and “Firefox”.
• 23:24. Wake up screaming with war flashbacks. See “Magnum, P.I.”, “Firefox”, and just countless other references.
• 24:21. In fairness, this is an extension of the “ex-soldier moves into the wilderness cliche.” The government comes back to get him because he’s the best. He literally says, “I’m the best there is at what I do.”
• 25:42. Someone is hunting down the old team… See “The Watchmen”.
• 32:35. Loved one is killed. Scream ‘NOOOOOOOoooOOoOooOo’, and switch to overhead boom camera that pans back.Yes, we covered this one before. The same cliche, twice in a single movie.
• 43:30. Hero flatlines, then his heart starts up again.
• 44:00. Build super-warrior, only to lose control of it and have it turn against you.
• 44:30. Leaping off a waterfall. See, “The Fugitive”.
• 47:00. Kindly farmer takes hero in (only to later die). See “Superman”.
• 52:00. Antagonist frames hero by killing innocents and blaming the hero.
• 52:11. Hero drives out of exploding building.
• 52:30. Leaping from danger into a helicopter.
• 52:45. Machine gun shooting at hero, bullets hitting all around him, but never hitting him. This cliche hardly makes sense here, because the hero is bullet-proof.
• 55:45. Hero uses antagonists radio to communicate to headquarters and let them know that the antagonists failed in their mission.
  
• 56:40. Antagonist is trapped alive in wreckage. Instead of killing him directly, walk away, and light a trail of gasoline to cause the wreckage to explode. Mythbusters tested this, too.
• 57:30. Hero walks toward camera, unflinching while massive explosion occurs in the background. Yep, our third explosion-in-the-background shot. Cliches aren’t just for writers; they’re for filmographers, too.

There’s a long stretch without real cliches. Instead, they substitute cheesy one-lines, action sequences, and comic book lore.

• 1:13:00. The antagonists are on a secret island. Seriously.
• 1:15:00. The brave hero is afraid of something tame (think Indiana Jones and spiders). In this case, he’s afraid of flying. They made reference to this earlier.
• 1:17:45. The hero surprises the antagonists at their secret base, and the antagonists act as if they had been expecting him the entire time.
• 1:21:00. The hero discovers his romantic interest was deceiving him, but the romantic interest reveals she did indeed have genuine feelings for him.
• 1:23:00. Tackled through a plate-glass window.
• 1:24:00. Hero has the opportunity to kill the antagonist, and the antagonists encourages the hero to kill him. The hero does not kill him. See “Star Wars”, again.
• 1:35:00. False ending–hero is about to escape when antagonist comes out from nowhere.
• 1:36:00. The ole, “I should kill you, but then I’d be no better than you.”
• 1:38:00. Oh my god, it’s a Three’s Company cliche: Amnesia. Thank God for it, too, because it saved us from another “NooooOoOoO” boom shot.

It would make an excellent drinking game. For nerds.

My wife, Ashley, and I bought our dream home in 2004 for $449,000. We took out a 30-year mortgage for the full amount, paying 6.5% interest. We’ve improved the house by adding granite countertops, and we haven’t yet missed a mortgage payment.

Last week, Ashley lost her job. While she’s eligible for unemployment, we were living paycheck-to-paycheck, and we won’t be able to completely cover the mortgage on unemployment.

Ashley’s looking for a job, but it could take months in these tough economic times. I’d like to put the house on the market, but the realtor says we’d be lucky to get $360,000 for it–leaving us owing about $100,000 on the mortgage after realtor fees and closing costs. That’s about $100,000 more than we have.

Should we allow the bank to foreclose on the house? Does Obama have any programs that might help us out?

Signed, Hal in Springfield.

Dear Hal,

You had to go and get a big fancy house, didn’t you? I told you this would happen. I told you, “Don’t let that spoiled wife of yours talk you into buying that silly mansion!” But you bought it anyway. Why don’t you ever listen to me? You never listen to me.

I guess your father and I will have to bail you out just like we always have. I’ll start substituting at the middle school again. God, I hate substitute teaching.

Well, I hope you’re happy.

Sincerely, your mom.

Einstein deserves some credit. The Theory Of Relativity was not at all obvious. I can barely understand it, and I certainly couldn’t have come up with it.

That’s not the case for these super-obvious discoveries. We shoulda thought of them sooner:

• The wheel. Round rocks roll. Logs roll. We figured this out about 5,500 years ago. Seriously, what took so long?
• Gravity. Shit falls. Thanks, Newton. It really took humanity until the 17th century to figure this out?
• Evolution. In 1858 my man Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection. No offense, Darwin, but ‘duh’. We’d been breeding animals for centuries, intentionally making the same genetic changes evolution had been making all along. And really, all you need to do is notice the similarity between all animals to figure out that we all had common ancestors.
  
• The Earth is round.  Ever seen a ship sail off over the horizon? That’s all you need to figure out that the Earth is round. Humanity first figured this out around 2000 BC, and then we basically forgot it until Pythagoris re-invented the wheel, so to speak, around 500 BC. Yet, thanks to religion, many people still didn’t acknowledge it.
• Religion is fake. This alone held back many of our big scientific discoveries, like evolution and the earth being round. Some people still haven’t figured this one out.

Whether you were seated at the wrong table at Thanksgiving or you accidentally took a cruise, talking to old people is a skill everyone should develop. When you can’t simply ignore them, these tips will help you fit in with the old:

• Old people don’t have wit. To an old person, humor is repeating a joke they heard elsewhere. Remember, old people love golf and hate different ethnicities. Memorize these:
  • Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them? Just in case they had a hole in one.
  • A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church. Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag. His bride whispers: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” And the man said “This is not going to take all day is it?”
  • A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. “Wow,” says the bartender. “That is really something. Where’d you get it?” “Africa,” says the parrot.
  • Two black people walk into a bar. They own it.
• If an old person makes a joke, laugh immediately. If not, they will think you either didn’t hear them or don’t have a sense of humor. Then, they will repeat the joke with the tag line, “Get it?” You’ll know an old person is making a joke because they laugh at themselves.

• Use every opportunity to repeat a line from old movies or TV shows. For example, if an old person is dressed up, you could tell them, “You look MAAHHHHVELOUS!” If you’re leaving for the buffet, put on your best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice and say, “I’ll be bahck.” After each line, chuckle to yourself so the old people know you said something funny.
• As discussed earlier, old people are racist. You can use their racism to help assess whether they have accepted you as one of their own:
  • If they don’t make any racist comments, they think you might be a hippie.
  • If they make racist comments but follow them up with qualifiers, such as, “Seriously though, there’s a black guy Jimmy at the shop, and he’s a really hard worker,” they’ve begun to accept you but they’re still nervous of you passing judgment.
  • If they use racial slurs, you are truly one of them. To familiarize yourself with old people racial slurs, watch the movie Gran Torino.
• Remarkably, old people travel. They never go any place interesting, but if you’ve been to Florida, Arizona, or another destination with many golf courses, they might be able to carry on a conversation about it.
• Avoid old people stories at all costs. The stories are long, pointless, and probably racist. Consider asking them a series of questions until your time is done. Some questions old people like to answer include, “What’s your secret for a long marriage?” “Got any tips to help me get rid of my slice?” “What’s your favorite restaurant for Sunday supper?”

Men are simple creatures. They don’t care if you’re successful, smart, witty, and talented! They just want you to be sexy, horny, and available. Some women may be thinking, “But, Michelle, surely there are *some* men that are different!” Well, dear, you’re wrong. They’re all special, horny, beasts that are oppressive with their sexuality. We, as women, have to accept their differences just as we want them to accept ours. Why not lead by example? Here’s how:

1) Be his dream woman. Dye your hair platinum blond, lose weight, dress like Charo, and, if you don’t already have D cups or larger, get them. Men want you to be an object that they have attained. In the same way that they brag about fancy sports cars and hitting the six figure salary mark, they want to feel they’ve achieved a desirable sex partner. You can boost their ego and self worth by being their special prize! Oh, and don’t forget to try to look at least 10 years younger than them.  Much like the foot-bound women of ancient China, we can show our respect for men by conforming to their high standards of beauty.

2) Let boys be boys. Men are visual creatures, and also, very tactile. Let them ogle the young waitress while you’re out to dinner. Just because you have devoted your entire life to him under the pretense that he stay loyal doesn’t mean his fantasies are disrespectful. If your man is a bit shy or timid, he may look her up and down and make a comment like, “She’s a bit chubby” or “Hm, I think I knew her from somewhere”. Don’t be fooled, he’s still thinking about having his way with her. But isn’t it sweet that he thought to try to protect your feelings after acting upon his base instincts? Remember, he may be eye-banging other woman all day and getting lap dances from strippers all night, but at the end of the day, you’re the special thing he turns to for self assurance. If you can’t help but be jealous, try distracting him. Flip your blond locks, rub his thigh with your foot under the table, and remind him that you’re the woman in the room most likely to get in bed with him. If he still doesn’t get it, explain to him what it means to “hedge your bets”.

3) Downplay your achievements. There are few things men hate more than a powerful, successful women. If you can’t help but be one, pretend you’re not. Ask him a lot of questions about cars and politics. It will make him feel smart and in control.  Also, make sure you never beat him at sports and that you’re not caught bragging. For instance, if your graduation is coming up, don’t tell him about it or invite him. No man wants his lady’s education rubbed in his face!

4) Let him control you. Does your man call you ten times a day asking you where you are and who you’re with? Don’t feel annoyance and distrust, feel flattered. You can often gauge a man’s love for you by how much he controls and manipulates you. His incessant phone calls are his way of saying, ” You’re mine and I don’t want anyone else impeding upon my property!”. As though that isn’t sweet enough, it also shows that they feel responsible for you. I was once married to a man that felt better giving me rides everywhere than letting me have my own car. We saved on gas, insurance, and he knew where I was every second of the day. Not only was he looking out for my finances, but he also was looking out for the safety of our relationship.

Becoming a man’s perfect woman isn’t always easy, but with a little work and consideration it is possible. Remember, men and women are very different and, just like like the differences between varying cultures and races, it’s important to be understanding, tolerant, and open to the viewpoints of others.

Adam Hart, 26, of Placida, FL, is tired of running into his ex-girlfriend, Tricia–and he’s not even leaving his couch.

Adam and Tricia met six months ago at a mutual friend’s party. They dated up until a month ago, when Adam announced, “I just can’t do ‘us’ anymore.”

Yet, Adam just can’t seem to forget Tricia. “I see her every day. When I’m scorchin’ calories, Tricia is there, tossing me more hoola-hoops. When I’m driving through the mall, she’s in a convertible, driving forward and backward repeatedly. When I’m bowling with my friends, Tricia is applauding in the stands.”

Tricia’s Mii has big brown eyes and shoulder-length black hair, a digital reflection of her self. Yet, while Tricia’s self hasn’t returned to Adam’s apartment, her Mii never left.

“It’s fucking creepy. I had a date with Kristi like four days after we broke up and of course I asked her back to the apartment for some Mario Golf. There’s Tricia, watching us in the audience disapprovingly. I bugged out and suggested we watch an episode of The Big Bang Theory that I had taped instead.”

When contacted for her comments, Tricia suggested, “He should just delete the Mii. Jesus, how lazy can he be?”

When asked for final comments, Adam said, “Maybe I’ll give Tricia a call.”

Samsung

Samsung just announced their new TL320 digicam for douchebags and posers. Resembling every other point-in-shoot in other ways, it features analog gauges on the top that show remaining capacity for the battery and memory card, contributing to a subtle retro look that the sexually frustrated adore.

At the press conference, Samsung president Wolf Hudson declared, “Modeled on the rangefinders popular from the 30s to the 70s, this new model will make you feel like a WWII combat photographer. Other people will think you’re more artistic and talented than the typical digicam-toting dick, yet, you don’t need to put your face to the camera–or even read the manual!”

The TL320 is priced at $330, a price point $120 more than the more-capable Samsung TL34HD. When asked to justify the price difference, Hudson explained, “It’s still hundreds less than real rangefinders, which are targeted towards the smaller, ‘non-poor try-hard’ market segment. The TL320′s real value is in the ability to earn the approval of the wannabe-artistic idiots around you. Plus, the jerk-offs who buy this will be shooting in sepia or black and white the entire time, anyway.”

The TL320 features a 5x stabilized zoom lens on the front, negating the need for the matching WWII-style tripod, and allowing the user to take pictures of themself at arm’s length in dimly-lit coffeeshops for their Facebook page.