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“Young, black, and famous,
with money hanging out the anus.”
I’ve always wanted to be that hip teacher that reaches the troubled inner-city youths by speaking in their own language: rap. I’d rap about Physics, Government, and Driver’s Education. Mostly, though, I’d rap about Grammar.
Those kids will always remember me as the teacher who really made a difference in their lives. Then, when one of them is elected the first black president, he’ll thank me in his inaugural speech. While lying on my death-bed watching the TV, a smile comes across my face, and I pass into the next world. Probably because God needed me to teach in heaven.
After the jump, my first lesson, urban youths: literary elements as they appear in hip-hop music. First, the video. Then, the literary elements and their definition. Finally, the specific lyrics from the song and the artist. I apologize that some of the videos are censored, significantly compromising their literary value. Definitions courtesy of Webster’s.
I’m definitely not a health nut (I write as I eat leftover fried Sesame Chicken), but I’m cynical enough to question information even when I want to believe it. For those people who see a headline like, “Salt Prevents Prostate Cancer” and immediately eat some french fries, here are some things that are bad for you:
- Alcohol. Yeah yeah, a glass of wine a day can reduce your risk of heart attack. A 5oz glass of wine also has 100-150 calories in it–and your glass probably has a bit more than 50z in it, doesn’t it? If you add a glass of wine a day to your diet, you’ll gain about 15 lbs per year, and being overweight increases your risk of heart attack. Guess you’ll need to start having two glasses of wine per day, right?
- Pot. Oh, stoners. Always so skeptical about the government, yet so willing to believe their burn-out friends that pot is like weight lifting in a bong. First, pot IS addicting, just like gambling or sex–it’s just not chemically addicting like cocaine. Second, pot increases your appetite, making you eat more, making you fat, which brings on a whole other category of health problems. Third, pot slowly kills your brain cells. Know how pot-head stereotypes get “pot-head voice” and become forgetful? That’s because THC gradually (and permanently) breaks down your short-term memory capabilities and your brains speech center. Pot’s not as bad as tobacco, and it might not be as bad as alcohol, but it’s definitely an indulgence and should be done in moderation.
Up until I was 25 I bought underwear in packs of 6 for about $10. They were white cotton briefs: “tighty whiteys”.
Then, I discovered skid marks.
Surely, differently colored underwear would solve that problem–solve it like having a baby solves marital problems. They didn’t sell these fancy man-panties in packs of six, though. I had to resort to spending $10 on a single pair of Calvin Kleins.
$10 underwear was wonderful, though. I had a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I danced like noone was watching. My spouse was spared the skids.
I don’t know about you folks, but where I live it is *cold*. Today it was about 15ยบ F, and when I put on my hat to go outside I realized it was missing something. What it was missing were legs, a face and a history rich with feelings and instincts. So, I would never actually wear one of these road-kill looking creations on my head, but they do give me a good chuckle. If that’s too macabre for you, perhaps you can just appreciate the expressions of the poor fellow that had to model them. See more absurdity after the jump!
LINK: FurHatWorld
Maybe you’re a stalker, or maybe you just want to know what personal information about you can be found on the Web. Either way, you’ll be surprised at the information that’s available. Just follow these steps:
1. Visit the stalker search site: 123 People, Pipl, and my favorite, WebMii (shown above). They all did a good job of finding me (though some of the pictures and links were for other people with my name). WebMii is fun because it gives you a score based on how famous you (or your name) are.
2. Visit Google (or another big search engine) and search for the person’s name in quotes (for example, “John Doe”). If Google yields too many results because the person has a common name, add the person’s state, town, spouses name, pets name, type of car, interests, or anything else that might distinguish them from people with the same name. Here’s what you’re looking for in the results:
- Anything interesting about the person.
- The person’s employer (often names are mentioned in press releases or on the company’s website).
- The town the person lives in (many towns post public records online).
- E-mail addresses the person uses (you’ll see these in forums/message boards/newsgroups sometimes).
- Aliases the person uses. For example, if you find a message in a forum signed with the person’s name, look at the nickname used to create the message. Make note of it.
Gone are the days that men can be just smartly dressed, rich, and handsome. These days, you must also be sporting an impressive boner. You know what, guys? I’m happy about it. For years men have been ogling boobies. Payback! I am going to stare at your penis through your pants so hard you’re going to call your therapist for an emergency session. See more after the jump.
