ZingZama announces the worst song of 2009: “I Can Transform Ya” by Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne & Swiss Beatz. By combining auto-tuning, a movie tie-in to Transformers, and strikingly abysmal lyrics, you’ve done what nobody thought was possible: beaten out The Black-Eyed Peas.

To summarize the song, the performer is so very wealthy that he has access to a large number of luxury brands, and he is willing to trade resources for sex. While that summarizes most hip-hop songs of this decade, what sets this song apart is the marketing mandate to use sound effects from the movie and the word “transform”.

My favorite line from the song seems to be a nod to the movie’s target audience of 11-15 year old males: “Something like Pinocchio if you lie down; Imma grow.” For those who are not 11-15 year old males, this analogy compares the growing nose of a beloved children’s character to the performer’s penis. I sincerely appreciate the appropriate use of a semi-colon.

Full lyrics after the jump, plus the video for the second place runner-up.

Here are those awful lyrics I discussed:

Hey Lil Mama,
I can transform ya,
i can’t dance but I can dance on ya,
Swiss on the beats, Chris move ya feet,
and baby I can transform ya him to a me,
I can change you life, make it so new,
make you never want to go back to the old you,
Ciroc and lime, give it a lil time,
and she can transform like Optimus Prime,

[Chris Brown]
Need a ride I can Range you up,
money i can change you up,
you can ride your own, no longer be the passenger,
swag low I build you up,
knees we can stand you up,
red lips, red dress, like em like a fire truck,

What you need, you can have that,
my black card they won’t decline that,
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

I can transform ya like a transformer,
I can transform ya,
I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, i can get it for ya,
your my baby girl shoulda know I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes you got it (got it)
Bags you got it (got it),
cars you got it (got it),
money still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (i can) get it for ya,

See me in the video you can have it really though,
iced out everything, like an eskimo,
wanna fly, we can go, anywhere you wanna go,
Jimmy Choos in Italy, Louie V in Tokyo,

something like Pinnochio,
if you lie down imma grow,
www.musicloversgroup.com
wanna see me do it big,
i can show you how it goes,
take you from an amateur to being professional,
(I can have you swag surfing – autotune)

What you need, you can have that,
my black card
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

[Chorus]

[Lil Wayne]
Ok,
I can transform ya like a transformer,
i can turn you from a human to a Carter,
take you off the bench and turn ya to a starter,
then take you home and put you on a charger,
then (then) my cars transforms to a charter,
and we can fly to wherever you ever thought of,
hehe, i take you to wherever its warmer,
then i gotta rip off your dress like a warm up,
hehe, but Im just getting warmed up,
so tell your man he better get his voltron up,
i transform her to a Ducati and then I transform me to a Bugatti,
cos her form puts me in a trance,
i transform smaller and she puts me in her pants,
Swiss on the Beat, Chris move ya feet
and we can transform a good girl to a freak,

[Chorus]
[End]

And here’s the second-place runner-up: Owl City’s Fireflies! Congrats to all the nominees!

Zac Efron never looked so good!

This picture is from a site called NicCageAsEveryone. If you’re like me and you’ve always dreamed that this world had a little more Nic Cage… haha! Nobody dreams of that. Regardless, this site is really funny.

Two weeks ago, Joaquin Phoenix went on the David Letterman show with odd facial hair and a strange attitude. Well, Ben Stiller must have been watching that night–or else he was reading blogs, the newspaper, or listening to any morning zoo radio station, because he chose to make fun of it last night!

First, you satirized male models in Zoolander. Now, it’s Joaquin Phoenix. Who’s next in Ben Stiller’s radar? Do I smell a remake of Joe Dirt? Watch out, hillbillies!

When King asked Herold what could be done to prevent future chimpanzee outbursts, Herold replied, “Nothing. Chimps and other members of the ape family are intelligent creatures. As Travis’ attack demonstrated, they have vastly superior strength, speed, agility, and constitution. Apes are going to take over the planet.”

Before King could reply, Herold continued, “Humans do have a fighting chance, however. It’s not too late. To find out how we can reclaim the planet, buy the Planet Of The Apes 40th Anniversary Edition, now available on Blu-ray DVD!”

King continued unphased, “Caller from Atlanta, Georgia. Hello!”

This week, Hilton, seen below, celebrated her 28th birthday party at club Butter in downtown Manhattan. A guest at Paris’ party reported that the bubbly beauty instructed her guest to “donate to cute little brown kids in Africa” in lieu of gifts.

 That’s not all! Paris made the theme of her party “pink” to honor all of the women that have survived breast cancer and who are currently fighting it now (but not those who lost the battle because Paris “hates losers”). And, just when we think our favorite clam flasher couldn’t be sweeter, she also let Mickey Rourke come to her party so that he can fully experience what real fame feels like up until the day that everyone figures out he wasn’t acting in his latest movie The Wrestler.

Chris Brown, who is currently dating fellow musician Rihanna (lucky girl!), did something unforgivable: he purchased a puppy from a pet store.

Couldn’t you find a puny pit bull at your local no-kill animal shelter?

Shame, shame, shame on you, Chris Brown!

Charles Darwin wrote, “The success of any being is measured by the number of offspring.” Whitney Houston sang, “The children are our future.” There’s one thing these bitter enemies can agree on: Nadya Suleman is a hero.

Overcoming a divorce, three miscarriages, numerous worker’s compensation claims, deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and the lack of a male sex partner, Nadya took a drastic measure to ensure her DNA survived another generation: she purchased sperm and used it to impregnate herself. She gave birth to four boys and two girls between 2001 and 2006.

The average American mother passes on her DNA to only two hosts. Keep in mind that the mother is only responsible for 50% of the offspring’s DNA, meaning the average American mother’s two children only succeed in replacing her DNA; a genetically neutral transaction. At six children, Nadya was already a success, having replicated her entire DNA 300%.

But good is not good enough for Nadya. To ensure the survival of her DNA, Nadya approached Dr. Michael Kamrava, a pregnancy specialist. He implanted six embryos–but two of those split into twins! Talk about luck! In 2009, Nadya gave birth to no less than eight ventilator-sucking half-babies. To improve the efficiency, Nadya shaved nine weeks off the standard gestation period for a human! Nadya increased her DNA replication ratio by 400% to a total of 700% in a mere 7 months.

With the encouragement of the media, we can only hope you’re just getting started. ZingZama salutes you, Nadya Suleman.