ZingZama announces the worst song of 2009: “I Can Transform Ya” by Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne & Swiss Beatz. By combining auto-tuning, a movie tie-in to Transformers, and strikingly abysmal lyrics, you’ve done what nobody thought was possible: beaten out The Black-Eyed Peas.

To summarize the song, the performer is so very wealthy that he has access to a large number of luxury brands, and he is willing to trade resources for sex. While that summarizes most hip-hop songs of this decade, what sets this song apart is the marketing mandate to use sound effects from the movie and the word “transform”.

My favorite line from the song seems to be a nod to the movie’s target audience of 11-15 year old males: “Something like Pinocchio if you lie down; Imma grow.” For those who are not 11-15 year old males, this analogy compares the growing nose of a beloved children’s character to the performer’s penis. I sincerely appreciate the appropriate use of a semi-colon.

Full lyrics after the jump, plus the video for the second place runner-up.

(more…)

Zac Efron never looked so good!

This picture is from a site called NicCageAsEveryone. If you’re like me and you’ve always dreamed that this world had a little more Nic Cage… haha! Nobody dreams of that. Regardless, this site is really funny.

Each year, the Academy gather’s this nation’s most talented writers and performers to celebrate the world’s filmmakers. Even for an all-star team of right-brained geniuses, this highlight from last night’s Oscar’s seems to have exceeded America’s expectations.

Two weeks ago, Joaquin Phoenix went on the David Letterman show with odd facial hair and a strange attitude. Well, Ben Stiller must have been watching that night–or else he was reading blogs, the newspaper, or listening to any morning zoo radio station, because he chose to make fun of it last night!

First, you satirized male models in Zoolander. Now, it’s Joaquin Phoenix. Who’s next in Ben Stiller’s radar? Do I smell a remake of Joe Dirt? Watch out, hillbillies!

Sandra Herold, the owner of the pet chimpanzee that nearly killed a woman in Stamford, discussed the attack in an interview on Larry King Live Tuesday night. Herold, a 70-year-old widow whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago, told King that the chimp “was my life” and that “I’m hollow, I have nothing left” since the death of Travis, her pet chimpanzee.

When King asked Herold what could be done to prevent future chimpanzee outbursts, Herold replied, “Nothing. Chimps and other members of the ape family are intelligent creatures. As Travis’ attack demonstrated, they have vastly superior strength, speed, agility, and constitution. Apes are going to take over the planet.”

Before King could reply, Herold continued, “Humans do have a fighting chance, however. It’s not too late. To find out how we can reclaim the planet, buy the Planet Of The Apes 40th Anniversary Edition, now available on Blu-ray DVD!”

King continued unphased, “Caller from Atlanta, Georgia. Hello!”

 Many people thought that after Paris Hilton’s short stint in jail her career would be ruined. Many worried that all of her talents would go to waste because of her inability to show the public her true colors, and not her spoiled, self-centered, party girl facade. Well, it appears we were all wrong.

This week, Hilton, seen below, celebrated her 28th birthday party at club Butter in downtown Manhattan. A guest at Paris’ party reported that the bubbly beauty instructed her guest to “donate to cute little brown kids in Africa” in lieu of gifts.

 That’s not all! Paris made the theme of her party “pink” to honor all of the women that have survived breast cancer and who are currently fighting it now (but not those who lost the battle because Paris “hates losers”). And, just when we think our favorite clam flasher couldn’t be sweeter, she also let Mickey Rourke come to her party so that he can fully experience what real fame feels like up until the day that everyone figures out he wasn’t acting in his latest movie The Wrestler.

Chris Brown, who is currently dating fellow musician Rihanna (lucky girl!), did something unforgivable: he purchased a puppy from a pet store.

Couldn’t you find a puny pit bull at your local no-kill animal shelter?

Shame, shame, shame on you, Chris Brown!

Charles Darwin wrote, “The success of any being is measured by the number of offspring.” Whitney Houston sang, “The children are our future.” There’s one thing these bitter enemies can agree on: Nadya Suleman is a hero.

Overcoming a divorce, three miscarriages, numerous worker’s compensation claims, deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and the lack of a male sex partner, Nadya took a drastic measure to ensure her DNA survived another generation: she purchased sperm and used it to impregnate herself. She gave birth to four boys and two girls between 2001 and 2006.

(more…)