This is for all guys, and the women who will never again ask them to fix something: There I Fixed It. Part of me laughs as I scoff at other guy’s shoddy work. Part of me knows I’ve done some of these same things.

Like the time I held my hood down with a rope. Or the ‘79 Mercury Bobcat that didn’t have reverse, so I always had to park on an incline so I could coast backwards from the spot. Right now, my computer case is open and there’s an internal hard disk literally hanging from it’s cable because I didn’t have a slot for it. Once I plugged in two desktops next to each other and ran an internal power cable from one computer to the other, because my computer didn’t have enough connectors. Oh, and I stuck a computer precariously to my dash because I was too cheap to buy navigation.

More pics after the jump.

ZingZama announces the worst song of 2009: “I Can Transform Ya” by Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne & Swiss Beatz. By combining auto-tuning, a movie tie-in to Transformers, and strikingly abysmal lyrics, you’ve done what nobody thought was possible: beaten out The Black-Eyed Peas.

To summarize the song, the performer is so very wealthy that he has access to a large number of luxury brands, and he is willing to trade resources for sex. While that summarizes most hip-hop songs of this decade, what sets this song apart is the marketing mandate to use sound effects from the movie and the word “transform”.

My favorite line from the song seems to be a nod to the movie’s target audience of 11-15 year old males: “Something like Pinocchio if you lie down; Imma grow.” For those who are not 11-15 year old males, this analogy compares the growing nose of a beloved children’s character to the performer’s penis. I sincerely appreciate the appropriate use of a semi-colon.

Full lyrics after the jump, plus the video for the second place runner-up.

Here are those awful lyrics I discussed:

Hey Lil Mama,
I can transform ya,
i can’t dance but I can dance on ya,
Swiss on the beats, Chris move ya feet,
and baby I can transform ya him to a me,
I can change you life, make it so new,
make you never want to go back to the old you,
Ciroc and lime, give it a lil time,
and she can transform like Optimus Prime,

[Chris Brown]
Need a ride I can Range you up,
money i can change you up,
you can ride your own, no longer be the passenger,
swag low I build you up,
knees we can stand you up,
red lips, red dress, like em like a fire truck,

What you need, you can have that,
my black card they won’t decline that,
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

I can transform ya like a transformer,
I can transform ya,
I can transform ya,
Anything ya want, i can get it for ya,
your my baby girl shoulda know I did it for ya,
I can trans, I can trans, I can transform ya,

Shoes you got it (got it)
Bags you got it (got it),
cars you got it (got it),
money still got it (got it),
I can transform ya, I can transform ya,
Anything you want I can (i can) get it for ya,

See me in the video you can have it really though,
iced out everything, like an eskimo,
wanna fly, we can go, anywhere you wanna go,
Jimmy Choos in Italy, Louie V in Tokyo,

something like Pinnochio,
if you lie down imma grow,
www.musicloversgroup.com
wanna see me do it big,
i can show you how it goes,
take you from an amateur to being professional,
(I can have you swag surfing – autotune)

What you need, you can have that,
my black card
see potential in ya,
let me mould that,

[Chorus]

[Lil Wayne]
Ok,
I can transform ya like a transformer,
i can turn you from a human to a Carter,
take you off the bench and turn ya to a starter,
then take you home and put you on a charger,
then (then) my cars transforms to a charter,
and we can fly to wherever you ever thought of,
hehe, i take you to wherever its warmer,
then i gotta rip off your dress like a warm up,
hehe, but Im just getting warmed up,
so tell your man he better get his voltron up,
i transform her to a Ducati and then I transform me to a Bugatti,
cos her form puts me in a trance,
i transform smaller and she puts me in her pants,
Swiss on the Beat, Chris move ya feet
and we can transform a good girl to a freak,

[Chorus]
[End]

And here’s the second-place runner-up: Owl City’s Fireflies! Congrats to all the nominees!

OK, he had only been working out a month, so props to him for that. Don’t lock your knees though! I love that he yelled at the end of his deadlift, surely causing everyone in the gym to look over at him. His after pic, complete with stitches, after the jump.

Here’s his after pic (click for a closeup):